Thursday, June 7, 2012

Personal Note

Well ya'll, looks like the journey is over.  I've been to the doctors office every other day for the last 2 weeks, had a couple dozen tests and I'm healthy as a horse.  Apparently, my problem is all stress/anxiety/depression related.  Hard to believe, I know.  The doctor says if I eliminate the source of my stress, I will feel much better.  So, if I stay here on this wonderful farm I've worked my ass off on, making it produce for me, I will keep feeling like I do and eventually it will adversely affect my health.  Since I don't make near enough money to keep the bills paid here on my own, I will be selling off all my animals(which absolutely kills me and makes me more depressed), filing for divorce( that will fix all my health problems) and leaving here to find a new path for my future. 

I don't have a real plan worked out yet.  It's kind of hard to work something out when you have nothing to work with.  Hopefully, I can get a decent price for the animals and at least give myself something to move on with.  I just can't keep fighting a losing battle when I'm constantly dragged down by the disrespect, lies and stupidity of someone who is supposed to be my life partner.

So, it's the end of this journey.  All I can do is work on starting another one down the road...


  1. OMG I am so sorry. Best of luck on your new start in life. Please keep us up to date on everything!

  2. Oh my, sorry that things aren't working out. Life is hard and sometimes it just sucks. You have so much knowledge and are an inspiration with everything you have going on. Good luck with your decisions.

  3. Marry an old man with money! I don't know if your picture is recent or not but you have some nice legs. The sun glasses are sexy too. You shouldn't have any problems finding someone new. Good luck.

  4. stress and worry will literally kill you. i learned this the hard way.. your farm and your animals mean alot to you..the stress is not from them but in not getting the full support you need from the "help" that live with you. i hope things work out for you...

  5. You don't know me from Adam, MM. I've been lurking here for several years occasionally commenting.
    Sounds like you are about to make a huge life decision and as one that made that decision 4 years ago, I ask you to stop, take a deep breath and think. Sometimes it gives you the clarity that you need.
    My life changing decision worked out for the better and I would never go back to that lifestyle.
    I hope that things work out for you as well. If you ever need (although I'm a stranger) someone to talk to, I'm just up north a little ways from you. Drop me a line at for more personal info.

  6. It appears from here that the source of your stress is not the farm or the animals, they are what's keeping you centered. The source is all the other stuff going on in your life which may be dragging everything else with it.

    I tend to agree with Beth that you might stop for a little bit, take a deep breathe and look at the situation. If at the end of the breather you feel the same then make the change, but don't do it in haste without a plan.

  7. I, too agree with Beth. Don't make such huge, life altering decisions while under so much other stress and while on an emotional roller coaster. More often than not NOTHING has to be decided immediately, and it would be wise to wait... rest, sleep, get your brain functioning again and then see how things look. :) I'll be praying for you.

    1. 1. The Neighborhood Coop, in Carbondale, has a large bulletin board. Often, jobs are listed there. Some people need someone with your skills and dedication to animal sit/housesit/help on a seasonal basis. Maybe that would work shortterm. Also, someone at the Coop might know of similar, unlisted jobs.
      2. I agree with "Representative"about prayer. When I feel stressed, I look to the Bible for comfort and guidance. (KJV is my favorite translation.) I try to put away my own ideas, and ignore the many stupid things that are done in the name of Christianity. I try to see what is relevant to me.
      3. Thanks for the encouragement you give to others. May you be blessed, as you make a new life for yourself. One door is shut. Look for those new, bright and shiny doors that will open!

  8. Maybe you can get rid of the problem (him) and make it without him. You know, I always wondered what his contribution was since it seemed everything fell on you. Don't get rid of the things you love.

    Now that you know what the problem is, take is slowly and get out of this with something intact. Can someone keep some of the more beloved animals until you get things sorted out?

    Please get out of the situation slowly! You will probably feel better immediately just knowing you are not ill and it's not you with the problem. Except he is the problem. Is the son yours or his or both?

    I feel for you. Just knowing I was going to get a divorce helped my mental state!

  9. Slow and others have advised, I'd let the hubby go first...then the animals. With money from the animals, perhaps a decent and reliable vehicle so you can get a regular job and begin from there.
    No matter what you decide, I wish you the best of luck! I've been there and time between decisions is a big benefit.

  10. I'm going to have to agree with the consensus here. I think you probably just need to lose the husband and maybe downsize the scope of your farm. I think a total exit from the gardening and country living might only make you more depressed.

  11. first hug

    second, if you need it, you and your critters are welcome here.

  12. oh Phelan - i have spent this entire day trying to figure out what to say to MM...i had no advice to offer that hadn't already been offered and i felt like a schmuck.

    MM - all i can offer is my prayers and my best well-wishes that you get yourself well. whatever that entails.

    much love to you! your friend,

  13. Another lurker here, my wife left me with all my money and credit as well about three years ago. I lost my home and land but I have found that I can live on a lot less than I thought and now that some time has passed I even have things that I wanted before but could not have because of the high cost of a failed marriage. And I'm not talking about material things but spiritual. The material stuff will take care of itself when the spirit is healed, at least it did for me. I will pray for you.

  14. My advice would be to get rid of the husband and it sounds like your son is old enough to launch. Get rid of the animals that don't make you money or food - in other words, the ones that only cost you to keep - those few bucks will keep you going for a little while until you can figure something out. Never know, you may find a job you like and with out the cost of feeding animals that don't produce, you may just be able to stay on your farm, alone!
    I'll be praying for you. Good luck with what ever you choose to do.

  15. I find it sad that so many (and I have purposefully not looked too closely at the names or genders) are so quick to advocate divorce.

    Sorry but no one should be recommending that someone else's marriage should be abandoned. Especially on a blog and without knowing both sides and all information spoken and unspoken.

    Unless Illinois has very radically feminist laws, which wouldn't surprise me since it is the state that contains Chicago and since there are no minor children (I assume) to take care of I doubt a divorce which keeps real property intact is a viable scenario regardless.

    MM you seem like a strong individual. My bet is you can outlast any bad situation. If the ones you love are taking advantage of you pitch a tent at the back of your property and ignore them. Let the power get turned off, the water be shut off and maybe go find a job (if you can find one) and sell all the chattel you want. Pay the property taxes and only take care of yourself for a while and see what happens.

    People only take advantage of us if we let them. Your husband must have some good qualities or you never would have married him so see if you can shock him out of whatever slump he may have fallen into.

    And pray.

  16. Pioneer Preppy,
    MM made the decision to divorce! We are being supportive. She will have to put a part of herself aside if she decides to stay. NO, people take advantage of us when we try to be good people and submerging our own needs trying to be good to others. Women bear the brunt of relationship tending in most cases. It sounds like she has tended this relationship all her mind and body can bear. ALL abusive spouses have good qualities, but that does not mean anyone should have to take abuse in order for the abuser to apologize and become apologetic.

    Again--No one here advocated divorce; we support her decision!

    1. Supporting someone's decision is done after the fact. All I have seen here is MM saying she is going to do something. Telling her to go ahead and do it is akin to telling someone it is hopeless and pushing them to making a possible bad choice.

      It's a good thing suicide hotline operators don't "support" the caller in that manner.

      As far as:

      "Women bear the brunt of relationship tending in most cases"

      If I say "men do all the real work in most relationship situations and must take all the blame while also suffering the burden for any financial problems which may arise".

      I am sure most women would cry foul at my statement but it is ok to make general sweeping statements in the other direction?

      A marriage is between the man, the woman and God with maybe the children having a say. I would not feel comfortable assuming I could step into any one of those positions.

      No one else should be either.

  17. Hey, MM, I'm behind you in whatever you decide. Sometimes we just need to wipe the slate clean and start over. Good luck! I know you can do whatever you put your mind to. Just don't let it hurt your health.

  18. Another lurker coming out of hiding. Life is too short to spend it in an unhappy/unhealthy situation. If the farm is your point of stress then get away from it. If the husband is your point of stress then get away from him. Sometimes distance helps us focus and make smarter decisions. Don't do anything in the heat of anger because it rarely turns out to be the smart decision. Get some distance, get some clarity and know that there are people here to support you no matter what you decide to do.

  19. Best of luck to you in the future. You are in my prayers.

  20. Well, first let me say that I'm glad there's nothing seriously physically wrong with you. Yay for that!

    I haven't been around as long as some of the other commenters have, I'm sure, so I don't know the history. I do know I've read enough to get the idea that your son is old enough to be pitching in more than he is around the farm. If he's of age he needs to step up or step on out.

    I have no idea what your marriage has been like before or what's the best decision there, but I do know I to pray for you and I will.


  21. From what I've read here for the past year, you pretty much carry the load of what's done on your place. You are probably one of the strongest women I "know", and will get thru this next chapter of your life like you've gotten thru your other trials in life...with determination, strength and grace. Good luck and God Bless in this new chapter of your life!

  22. Kat, I would certainly try to keep your farm. I have been following your blog for years. It looks like you will have a huge harvest this year and if you downsize on the animals and less human mouths to feed then the more produce you can sell. Stress is awful it wrecks a person physically and does a mean number on their souls. I know you can make it. Tricia


Comments always welcome